7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Lmaoo 😂
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Doggies just call it style.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Yup
mom had nothing to worry about
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no