Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex