My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“I’m helping” 😅
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience