Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run