Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)