Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
i like to flex on them by shrugging
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.