BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*