Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way