He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.