in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.