Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Does your wife know you’re single?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.