*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
You Might Also Like
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
🔦🌙👣
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.