I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Happy thanksgiving!
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
then why did i get this email
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.