DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Optional boss fight.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.