Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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Print is alive and well!!!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Hey I worked for it too!
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.