One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
me when i see my girls butt
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Every time.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Who called it cremation and not ashashination