waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
🐕🍷
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me