[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Lmao the reply
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Never go to sleep after making me angry
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people