If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage