If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
You Might Also Like
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.