DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
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[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Never forget.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.