I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake