Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
That’s fair
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.