*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
How animals would run if they were human
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you