“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
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If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
pelicons
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*