“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
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What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
War & Peace
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39