if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
You Might Also Like
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I’m having an out of money experience.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.