‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
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This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My life coach traded me.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today