I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
✌️
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
first you must answer his riddles
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.