Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?