oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.