Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
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When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I saw nothing
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
time machine? you mean a clock?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?