[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
You Might Also Like
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The point of your 20s
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too