Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
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There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Mummies are just super modest zombies
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*