My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”