Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.