friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]