[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!