wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
A huge thanks to the person that did this