“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Actually cracking up @ this
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.