The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
nobody’s gonna understand
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
No email needs to tell me not to reply.