My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.