ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
You Might Also Like
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.