I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Best table by far
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
what the
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.