Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater