If snakes were wide
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“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
#ParentingFacts
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Two types of dogs.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people