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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.