Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude