I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
crazy
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget