Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.